you shouldn't be limited by your past. your potential lies in your imagination and your understanding. your history is colored by your present. so if you think of yourself as having to live up to a behavior you imagine suits your past, it is a waste of your flow.
think yourself into the future when you are an assassin. what you would feel. how you would think of your past. how precise your perception would be. breathe it in.

I could be the person I think of being, because I have the potential, and even if you aren't as skilled as that person could be you can have the mentality of learning what it is you're after. and in a way that is the same thing.
just a few months ago I was thinking about how I view other people. I was thinking that everyone probably thought they were the only person in the world. in some way. and so I thought about respect. I noticed I put alot of interest in people that looked like they were more concious in their choises, and dislike in those who I thought never had themselves viewed from a different angle, and who seemed to always have gone by the same mentality, and never evaluated their thoughts.
who should you respect? those who were "thinking". but before they started to "think"? well, what then. that means everyone has potential, but are more or less close to revelation. and besides, someone who does not "think", isn't he even more naturally intelligent, going with the flow, living, without wasting the effort?

things you think are in a certain way, due to the experience of living, might very well be not what you thought. think of what you recognize as the taste of a juice. orangejuice. what if the taste you think of, and what you actually put your attention to, is actually the small amount of soap that is left on the glass after it's been washed? because you have always happened to drink the juice out of a glass that has been washed with this certain soap. not likely, but think of it. (I just couldn't come up with a more rsonable possibility now)
something that happens to be the same in very many cases, but that isn't what you're looking for. many things seems to be clouded by first impressions as well (duh). what can you do to get the true essence? investigating as many different experiences as possible, and think of what is similar in every case. how can a jacket bring you light? maybe by burning it. maybe because someone turns a light on because they want to see it. maybe because you think bright when you wear it.

hm. what was my point again...?
..

I am beginning to realize just how much place the anger that I'm carrying is taking. how quiet it will be when it's gone. the creature that I "realized I was" during my acid trip two weeks ago could probably be an image of this. it feels like so. and it is very interesting.

how theatrical the world is.

during a session my therapist quoted freud: "the ego is not master in his own house"
I repiled: "who is it that wants control, me or my ego?"
It seems budo is a parallell path to life (I do not mean that they are separated). the two sides seem to make changes visible. I wish to become a better martial artist. so I have to investigate life. (I guess I need to write all this basic stuff that everyone writes, so that I know where I am) wherever there is a hole in my training, I seem to find answers in life, and where I find holes in life, I get answers from training.
this summer I spent travelling and investigating things. not by doing anything special, but by being present so that I could actually learn from daily situations. something that recently came to my mind that I have been working on is to release my ego, becasue I found I didn't need it while training. I realized it was quite in my way. not very strange that it is trying to make itself reminded by bringing up my anger. just as I was once thrilled by how much better I could kick in my gon fu training by "being the kick" instead of the balance, or the next kick, or my tired muscles, or..the focus... I am now being thrilled at the moments where I manage to keep my ego away from training. both in gong fu and in ninjutsu.

one of the most important things that I learned this summer (I could actually make some sort of list..?) was to learn. I found that the proper state of mind for the situation made me understand so much more in less time. it probably has much to do with openness in general. every moment holds the possibility of understanding. what you need to do is to be open to understand many things, and to connect every situation with the other. when I came back to my gong fu and taijutsu classes it felt just like I've never done this before in my life. then a week passed, and I was all into writing things down, and then I saw what proper state of mind was for my training. and my body would just..learn. so fast. it was actually the idea of not using my ego that helped me. I attended a class not for physical training, but for looking at others while they train. I just happen to see how many people there were who were thinking of what..they looked like. or being embaressed because they could not understand the technique. or not letting go of how good or interesting they thought they were. and this didn't work out.

I remember how I was fascinated by fighting a year ago. I wondered why, and I realized that the module of two people reacting spontaneously to each others attacks and movements created a very special flow. winning or loosing was not the most interesting part, the interesting thing was this flow. to see how everything happened, and happened and happened. ....
..I am again loosing myself I guess. sucks.

I wish to make to world my home and my body my livingroom. I have not much that is in my way. actually I feel like the gods flow with me at all times, they want me to succeed. technically. the only thing that stops me from being free is me. my memories that makes patterns in wich I dwell.

during my taijutsu practice today I realized more and more how angry I was. that I could not possibly be open to my opponents reactions, weaknesses, flow, intentions. I only wanted to strike him with brute force. begin with him. and then every man and woman in the dojo until silence. my "opponent" could probably feel it in every way there is. I hope I did not wound him.
this anger and frustration seems to be behind every emotion that I either feel myself or sense from others. I block most feelings because of this (rough assumption). for a long while I actually thought feelings at all was the problem.
what happens when I feel this anger, that has no acutal point in the situation or even in my memory, is that I get very frustrated at myself. I see no reason to be angry, and I see no reason not to be angry. I also se no reason in doing whatever it is that I am doing, because all there is is anger. and so I point the anger at myself. a year ago, I wouldn't hesitate to do that. I was quite rough-minded compared to what I am now. a year ago I could've beaten myself bruised, eaten exessive amounts of drugs, cut myself and spill blood everywhere. or puked, or have sex with someone I definetly didn't want to have sex with.

anger and frustration, and to point your attention (and frustration) to things that seem superficial (appearence is a good example) are actually great tools to get started with. but the work does not end there, after a while you should naturally understand what your body was talking to you about for real, and that it only used this to get your attention. you then need also to be able to let go of the anger and frustration, and trust yourself to get angry and frustrated when you need to. people seem to not let go of disappointments. but fact is, every dissapointment is a new disappointment, and not the old one. and to make yourself stick in old anger is... I mean it works. but is only a way to make your range smaller. you have less "good life".

gah, I still can't get over all those happy terms..."good life", "having fun"...gah...disgusting. I must agree with myself to be a deeply nihilistic and ironic person. *thinks*...

hm. interesting. how I write. remembering and going through things. I guess I definetly don't think of anyone ever reading it.

what happens if I get to face my anger...so..that I wouldn't have to taste it every time I feel.

I am really kind of loosing myself while writing. maybe right now writing is not very sufficient. I need to try and do "the journey" by myself. ...

and I shall not forget to write some crap about the hitchhiker, the pirate, the ninja and the alchemist. aight? so. go and be useful.