I am beginning to realize just how much place the anger that I'm carrying is taking. how quiet it will be when it's gone. the creature that I "realized I was" during my acid trip two weeks ago could probably be an image of this. it feels like so. and it is very interesting.

how theatrical the world is.

during a session my therapist quoted freud: "the ego is not master in his own house"
I repiled: "who is it that wants control, me or my ego?"
It seems budo is a parallell path to life (I do not mean that they are separated). the two sides seem to make changes visible. I wish to become a better martial artist. so I have to investigate life. (I guess I need to write all this basic stuff that everyone writes, so that I know where I am) wherever there is a hole in my training, I seem to find answers in life, and where I find holes in life, I get answers from training.
this summer I spent travelling and investigating things. not by doing anything special, but by being present so that I could actually learn from daily situations. something that recently came to my mind that I have been working on is to release my ego, becasue I found I didn't need it while training. I realized it was quite in my way. not very strange that it is trying to make itself reminded by bringing up my anger. just as I was once thrilled by how much better I could kick in my gon fu training by "being the kick" instead of the balance, or the next kick, or my tired muscles, or..the focus... I am now being thrilled at the moments where I manage to keep my ego away from training. both in gong fu and in ninjutsu.

one of the most important things that I learned this summer (I could actually make some sort of list..?) was to learn. I found that the proper state of mind for the situation made me understand so much more in less time. it probably has much to do with openness in general. every moment holds the possibility of understanding. what you need to do is to be open to understand many things, and to connect every situation with the other. when I came back to my gong fu and taijutsu classes it felt just like I've never done this before in my life. then a week passed, and I was all into writing things down, and then I saw what proper state of mind was for my training. and my body would just..learn. so fast. it was actually the idea of not using my ego that helped me. I attended a class not for physical training, but for looking at others while they train. I just happen to see how many people there were who were thinking of what..they looked like. or being embaressed because they could not understand the technique. or not letting go of how good or interesting they thought they were. and this didn't work out.

I remember how I was fascinated by fighting a year ago. I wondered why, and I realized that the module of two people reacting spontaneously to each others attacks and movements created a very special flow. winning or loosing was not the most interesting part, the interesting thing was this flow. to see how everything happened, and happened and happened. ....
..I am again loosing myself I guess. sucks.