the dreadful dream I had was definetly about the keiko (what other word is there really to use?). which in turn definetly is connected to life and everything has layers and bullshit and so on. (can I ever just say something?)
I was with my mother and one of my brothers at a food mart. and there was this old, naggered man, and this other man who was young, tall, very..adrenaline and bulky figure, very much vale tudo kind of...predator. he was also a nazi, which was concluded by his outfit.
The old man said somthing to the younger in irritation about his behavior. the younger one was aggrevated and started to go into an emotional rage which was about to extend to a physical rage. the old man was about to die. my brother was in great risk too. my mother ...I don't know. she was on the move, and not badly placed in terms of safety. o_O I wanted to get everybody to this storage section just a few meters away and I shouted and marked where to go. just by the wall behind a shelf I saw a fire extinguisher and my first thought was: "if he grabs it, they're all done. my second thought was: "he is heading for the old man, his back is against me, I can blow it to the back of his head." then I woke up. I had been really scared of the fight with this man the whole of the dream. I saw no way of defeating his rage, unless I too went into rage. I was really scared of loosing, because that would mean I couldn't protect my brother, who isn't at all capable of saving himself if he actually doesn't get the idea to run and hide properly. But then, no one could take care of him and he would die anyway. maybe. estimations only of course. I was very tense as I woke up. I've been tense since. my heart beats faster than it sould and I am trying to figure out how the hell to beat that focking asshat to gib half life style.
I felt that I couldn't use my head. because my head wasn't smart, it was scared of loosing. The other layers weren't accessible, exept the rage layer. which too could end bad, even if it's a great tool for destruction, he had greater physical chances of surviving. the fire extingúisher was.. it was like a call for the earth element instead of the rage. but again, it wasn't accessible. earth is the element I am most not of. I am just not meant to walk on this planet, I'm still only watching it. I still don't have a place here. not anywhere, really. no place, no earth. I am not allowed into my own being. how's that? I hate it. keiko is the greatest tool to get in touch with it. not to be distracted from whatever. I have to reach in so that I can die without rage. malcolm did something this monday during training, I was able to connect to how he used his feeling, and I have been trying to reach it harder since then. the blockage has to do with what I think of myself. so what is that? I feel like in the way. like crap. still. if I can go beneath that I could reach my place.
I'm still all adrenaline. I wouldn't be here and awake unless. awake maybe. but I can sence that I'm tired and would like to sleep. I can't draw. I can't move. I want to lay down and be covered in empty, warm space and not feel my body. my damned disfunctional damaged crappy body.
I can learn so much from malcolm. if it isn't too frustrating for him I hope to train much more with him. he feels like he's inside himself. a bit affected though by his aite.
I feel like a hysterical fucking asshole. blind and hysterical. waving with every limb. I feel like taking morphine and droole at the floor till someone ..hm. puts its hands on my eyes so they'll close. I am repeating myself.
I miss max. ..why am I not by him? why is he at work? why do I want to be with him, can't I just not have this wish?
Many people matter to me. I am definetly in love with at least half the population when my mood's on that side. I have extreme affection to many people and I want to be close to them, definetly. but max. ...what is he. he is the love which I need not be in love with. he's a part of me. I won't..take him away. I want to live with him. I am free. prdairughaetlög crap. I want to sleep. I shall start by turning this stupid screen off.
I was with my mother and one of my brothers at a food mart. and there was this old, naggered man, and this other man who was young, tall, very..adrenaline and bulky figure, very much vale tudo kind of...predator. he was also a nazi, which was concluded by his outfit.
The old man said somthing to the younger in irritation about his behavior. the younger one was aggrevated and started to go into an emotional rage which was about to extend to a physical rage. the old man was about to die. my brother was in great risk too. my mother ...I don't know. she was on the move, and not badly placed in terms of safety. o_O I wanted to get everybody to this storage section just a few meters away and I shouted and marked where to go. just by the wall behind a shelf I saw a fire extinguisher and my first thought was: "if he grabs it, they're all done. my second thought was: "he is heading for the old man, his back is against me, I can blow it to the back of his head." then I woke up. I had been really scared of the fight with this man the whole of the dream. I saw no way of defeating his rage, unless I too went into rage. I was really scared of loosing, because that would mean I couldn't protect my brother, who isn't at all capable of saving himself if he actually doesn't get the idea to run and hide properly. But then, no one could take care of him and he would die anyway. maybe. estimations only of course. I was very tense as I woke up. I've been tense since. my heart beats faster than it sould and I am trying to figure out how the hell to beat that focking asshat to gib half life style.
I felt that I couldn't use my head. because my head wasn't smart, it was scared of loosing. The other layers weren't accessible, exept the rage layer. which too could end bad, even if it's a great tool for destruction, he had greater physical chances of surviving. the fire extingúisher was.. it was like a call for the earth element instead of the rage. but again, it wasn't accessible. earth is the element I am most not of. I am just not meant to walk on this planet, I'm still only watching it. I still don't have a place here. not anywhere, really. no place, no earth. I am not allowed into my own being. how's that? I hate it. keiko is the greatest tool to get in touch with it. not to be distracted from whatever. I have to reach in so that I can die without rage. malcolm did something this monday during training, I was able to connect to how he used his feeling, and I have been trying to reach it harder since then. the blockage has to do with what I think of myself. so what is that? I feel like in the way. like crap. still. if I can go beneath that I could reach my place.
I'm still all adrenaline. I wouldn't be here and awake unless. awake maybe. but I can sence that I'm tired and would like to sleep. I can't draw. I can't move. I want to lay down and be covered in empty, warm space and not feel my body. my damned disfunctional damaged crappy body.
I can learn so much from malcolm. if it isn't too frustrating for him I hope to train much more with him. he feels like he's inside himself. a bit affected though by his aite.
I feel like a hysterical fucking asshole. blind and hysterical. waving with every limb. I feel like taking morphine and droole at the floor till someone ..hm. puts its hands on my eyes so they'll close. I am repeating myself.
I miss max. ..why am I not by him? why is he at work? why do I want to be with him, can't I just not have this wish?
Many people matter to me. I am definetly in love with at least half the population when my mood's on that side. I have extreme affection to many people and I want to be close to them, definetly. but max. ...what is he. he is the love which I need not be in love with. he's a part of me. I won't..take him away. I want to live with him. I am free. prdairughaetlög crap. I want to sleep. I shall start by turning this stupid screen off.
posted by navi at 3:19 PM
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