fucked again. my mind's getting out of hand, there's another black hole, for how fucking long will it go on? whatever I'm working on I'm fucking nowhere yet, if ever, and the point of getting somewhere was just reduced to nothing - again.
or, well, it's been going on forever.
I can't stand my bloody self (if I was bloody, perhaps I would though). I can't stand this has-absolutely-no-talents-or-knowledge-or-experience-or-use-whatsoever-creature that I feel like. I try to keep it up, yes, things won't work if I don't, but I'm seriously contemplating on dropping it. Once more I feel so worthless that there is nowhere to go, except for the countries I don't live in (that being all but sweden, but hopefully quite futher away than norway still) and start from the stage of knowing nothing. Because it's basically the same thing as what I'm doing right now, but without the disappointment and grief of being a silly person. At least I imagine so, just to make things easier on myself.
Thruth is, there's no way out.
I still want to go.
Away to swich environments for a long time ahead.
Or just stop speaking to people, that'd be a thrill. Becoming a mute and loose that nagging sound until there's not even memory of it.
What should I do with me? Why am I so disappointed? Except for doing everything wrong, what's so bad about being me? I'm simply just bad enough to not be allowed to feel ok.
This is getting me futher into the crap. Writing things like this down makes me believe it's actually true and freaks me out even more, even if the obvious reason for me thinking it and writing it being some sort of hope of it not being true. (was that a strange sentence?) I wish to be saved from it. somehow reality could feel different. but it feels like crap.
I can't stand not being able to do everything I feel like being able to do.
I feel so bad for it, that I loose my value as a person, and the only thing I am still is a child who cries so that someone can pat it on it's head and later move on to doing something important which tje child will not be a part of due to lack of use.
