I wish to make to world my home and my body my livingroom. I have not much that is in my way. actually I feel like the gods flow with me at all times, they want me to succeed. technically. the only thing that stops me from being free is me. my memories that makes patterns in wich I dwell.

during my taijutsu practice today I realized more and more how angry I was. that I could not possibly be open to my opponents reactions, weaknesses, flow, intentions. I only wanted to strike him with brute force. begin with him. and then every man and woman in the dojo until silence. my "opponent" could probably feel it in every way there is. I hope I did not wound him.
this anger and frustration seems to be behind every emotion that I either feel myself or sense from others. I block most feelings because of this (rough assumption). for a long while I actually thought feelings at all was the problem.
what happens when I feel this anger, that has no acutal point in the situation or even in my memory, is that I get very frustrated at myself. I see no reason to be angry, and I see no reason not to be angry. I also se no reason in doing whatever it is that I am doing, because all there is is anger. and so I point the anger at myself. a year ago, I wouldn't hesitate to do that. I was quite rough-minded compared to what I am now. a year ago I could've beaten myself bruised, eaten exessive amounts of drugs, cut myself and spill blood everywhere. or puked, or have sex with someone I definetly didn't want to have sex with.

anger and frustration, and to point your attention (and frustration) to things that seem superficial (appearence is a good example) are actually great tools to get started with. but the work does not end there, after a while you should naturally understand what your body was talking to you about for real, and that it only used this to get your attention. you then need also to be able to let go of the anger and frustration, and trust yourself to get angry and frustrated when you need to. people seem to not let go of disappointments. but fact is, every dissapointment is a new disappointment, and not the old one. and to make yourself stick in old anger is... I mean it works. but is only a way to make your range smaller. you have less "good life".

gah, I still can't get over all those happy terms..."good life", "having fun"...gah...disgusting. I must agree with myself to be a deeply nihilistic and ironic person. *thinks*...

hm. interesting. how I write. remembering and going through things. I guess I definetly don't think of anyone ever reading it.

what happens if I get to face my anger...so..that I wouldn't have to taste it every time I feel.

I am really kind of loosing myself while writing. maybe right now writing is not very sufficient. I need to try and do "the journey" by myself. ...

and I shall not forget to write some crap about the hitchhiker, the pirate, the ninja and the alchemist. aight? so. go and be useful.